Ryan has had a very good night/ day. His edema has gone down considerably. The nurse told Dean that his weight of 1 pound 7 ounces should be mostly baby weight instead of edema!!

Ryan received a new feeding tube today. This tube goes just below his original feeding tube and sits just beyond the stomach. The doctor decided to use this tube to feed Ryan because it causes less stress and eases the transition into feeding. Ryan tolerated his feeds well when they originally started but it took too much of his energy and his kidneys decided that they should take a break from working. He will get 0.1 ml/hr of breast milk each hour as a continuous feed. So far this evening he has continued to make good urine AND has tolerated his feedings. When I changed his diaper this afternoon he had his first stool!! This tells us that the tube feeds are stimulating the gut the way that they should! (he was very ticked off during this diaper change but Mommy could not let the sticky stool go without cleaning it thoroughly)

When we arrived at the hospital this afternoon Ryan was on a mission! He was absolutely determined to get his little thumb into his mouth! He was never able to get his thumb in his mouth due to all his tubes but it was the cutest thing to watch!

Dean seems to think that our little man will be a snorer. He is intent on sleeping with his mouth wide open!

We found the most adorable onesies at BRU today! I can’t wait until I can show pictures of our little man all dressed up. He has been able to take a step further….He can now be wrapped in a blanket!! Gammie made him this ducky blanket. He seemed to enjoy it!

Daddy's Suprise

August 26, 2010

On this day Mommy had the privilege to give your Daddy the biggest surprise she's ever given him. Mommy had been praying that the Lord would bring your our way but she never expected you so soon. I hadn't felt any of the usual pregnancy symptoms to tip me off that i was pregnant. In hindsight the only 'issue' that i was experiencing was extreme fatigue. If you had known your Mommy sooner then you would understand why she didn't think twice about how tired she was. Your Daddy had acquired an amazing job upon graduating from LPN school and Mommy had just slowed down from working 8-10 12 hour shifts in a two week period to only working 7 12hour shifts in a two week period. Mommy knew it was close to time to finding out if you might be nestled inside her womb so on the way home from eating lunch with Daddy she bought a test. Much to her Surprise within minutes she learned that you where alive and well inside her.

Now to the hard part. How would i tell your Daddy. He had no idea that I was going to stop and take a test much less that it might be time to find out. I'd already been racking my brain to think of a way tell Daddy but thought that I would have more time to make it special.

I knew I had to tell him that evening because I was scheduled to work all weekend and would NOT be able to keep the news to myself! With very little time before Daddy would be off work I sent him a text to tell him that I would pick him up after work and we hadn't had a good dinner away from town just the two of us in a while. Seeing as how Mommy had JUST seen Daddy and driven to Little Rock to take Daddy lunch and something he had forgotten at the house she was sure he would know that something was "up." Mommy was Shocked because your sweet Daddy was clueless!

When I picked him up after work I told him that there was a baby shower at my this weekend and "needed" to pick up batteries for my camera. I confused Daddy a bit when I turned the wrong way to Walmart but If you knew your Daddy he was used to Mommy not taking the most easy of ways to get to stores. I drove daddy to a new shopping center that was close by to both of our works pulled into a parking spot and looked over at Daddy and admitted that I really didn't need batteries.

CLUELESS at this point your Daddy hadn't realized that we were sitting in front of Babies R US. All he saw was the 'R US' part of the sign and thought he now knew why I had driven so far out of the way for batteries. Once he leaned over he realized that we were at Babies R US and was as stunned as Mommy when learned the news of your arrival.

Once we regained our composure we drove to outback for dinner. It was one of the best dinners we'd ever had together. I'm not sure what all we said but we were all smiles. Our minds racing with thoughts of what you might look like, who's personality you might have, and of course what kind of trouble you might find. It was safe to say we were overwhelmed with the news the Lord had blessed us with that evening! 

Super Bowl!!

February 6, 2011

Possibly the best Super Bowl I've ever watched. I'm glad it turned around. The game was great! Commercials made us laugh. Music could have been better if we could have heard the music behind the vocals but still better than in recent years. Only one hiccup. . . . Why is this great game making us sad??

'Jerry World,' as we like to call it, is now a large part of our son's life.

This past September Dean and I traveled to Arlington to watch the Yankees play the Rangers. September 11th a very special day in itself but to watch the Yankees at the same time. Priceless! There was also one other 'event' that only Dean and I knew about at the time. Our trip was extra special because we knew that this was our first trip not as a couple but a family of three!

We were treated to a great game won in the 9th inning by the Rangers! We saw a tremendous rarity when Yankees great closer BLEW the game! Bottom of the 9th Rangers down 5-6 after a rally in the top of the 8th Yankees. Top of the 9th Rangers held Yankees. Now it was time for the Rangers to go to work! Yankee fans begin leaving the stadium as their closer approached the mound cheering "game is over." Little did they know they were missing what I feel was history!

Bottom of the 9th, bases LOADED I make some sort of smart mouth comment that the way this inning is going why don't he (the pitcher) just walk the winning run? It would make TV? Haha Next thing we saw was truly priceless!! Mariano Rivera HITS Jeff Francoeur and WALKS in the winning run! Holy Cow!!  I would have LOVED to have seen the faces of all the Yankee fans who left the game early (cheering might I add) because they 'knew' it was over and they were victorious!

The next day we spent most of the day wondering around Dallas Cowboy's Stadium. It was absolutely amazing! The day before we went to look around the Pro Shop and find a couple of gift to bring back home. When we arrived the box office said that they were sold out of guided tours of the stadium but we could buy tickets for the self guided tour. We decided we would wait on buying tickets because the self guided tour didn't have a limit on tickets sold. We spent a couple of hours touring the Pro Shop and when we walked out we had to walk by the box office to get to the car. In the time that we spent in the Pro Shop they Opened! several guided tours for the next day! We were beyond excited! We loved the tour!

It was neat watching the Super Bowl last night because we had been 'behind the scenes' that they were showing. Exciting I know. . But. . .Again Sadening. We talked serveral times the day of the tour how much we were going to enjoy brining our 'little one' back to tour the stadium. We will never foreget that trip. It now means more to us than we ever dreamed. We had one of our only family portrits that we'll ever have taken on the Cowboy Star along the 50 yardline!

With very saddend hearts we begain to watch the game. Many probably don't know this but Dean is a huge Green Bay fan. He watched Farve for years! Rodgers is a very close second to Farve. As the game started we could barely believe our eyes. Green Bay took it to 'em! Then it hit me. . .My mind lately has been wandering and mostly it makes me sad but this time it made me smile. I just happened to have a little picture of Jackson in an angels arms with a big 'ole slice of cheese on his little head! I know crazy but the thought of our little guy being 'in' close with the 'Big Guy' above made us smile!

This became our little inside joke durring the game. Dean says he was never nervious but I was a bit when the stealers mounted their comeback. We joked that that Jackson had a few to many nachos durring half time and just woke up from his little nap when the Packers returned to the game. It was a nail biter but what a finnish!

It was beyond awsome watching the Packers win and think and talk about our Baby Boy in a Positive way!

Chelles

Our Little Ranger

Throughout my pregnancy you've recived many different nick-names! Mommy spent nearly 20weeks sick and affectiontly called you her lilalien. Your Daddy loved to refer to you as his Munchkin. Mommy has loved calling you her "little one." Durring your memoril service you recieved your lasting nick-name. Your Daddy gave you this name. He is a very proud veteren and he served as an Arm Ranger. One of the many duities of a Ranger was to go in first and lead the way for the other units. Your Daddy noted at your memorial that you were indeed our little Ranger. As much as it breaks our hearts you are leading our way! Your the first of our family to see the golden streets of perfection! You've seen the face of our Father! We know your there  having the time of your life! We know your there with our beloved family that have also gone before us drikning coke floats and playing GoFish! We love to think that your with the Lord helping prepare for our arrivial also. One day. . . we will see you again, just as the Army follows the Rangers we will also follow you to Heaven!

Chelles

Goodbye for Now. . .

Tuesday January 18th-

We woke up extra early that morning. We'd finalized the music for your memorial the night before and needed to drop off the CD in plenty of time to have it checked so that we knew it would play properly during your memorial. We only had one last project for the day before we turned to preparing ourselves.

We'd been told by many that often it help to release balloons or conclude the graveside with a special tribute to our precious Jackson Michael. Mommy spent a good bit of time thinking of the perfect way to conclude our service but finally came up with the perfect tribute. We'd looked for days for some sort of birdbath or outside holder but had no luck. The closest I found was a small red chair that was to be used as a planter. As my last resort your daddy and I ran to Lowe's and picked it up the morning of your memorial. Little did I know it was absolutely perfect! After a quick run to the store to complete your final memorial plans we headed home.

The next few hours we spent quietly at home as a family. Mimi and I finalized your memorial tribute and then we dressed and headed to your memorial.

The drive into town had never seemed more slow. Your daddy was so scared that we'd be 'late' to your memorial. With more than enough time to spare we arrived to the funeral home. Your daddy and I went directly to make sure that you where just as you should be. With some minor rearrangements, you were once again perfect. As we turned around we realized the amount of people who came to help us celebrate your little life. We were again blown away!

I won't lie and say that it wasn't miserable but we knew that you are alive and well in Heaven. Your service started with a song especially for your Daddy and Sissy. We knew you'd have been like your Mommy and Daddy and would have loved some rock music. It might have been unconventional but helped your Daddy.

Our Pastor opened with precious words and read your lengthy obituary. For a little fella you sure have a whole host of people who've come before and are still living that love you to pieces!

 The next song your Sissy prepared for you the night that we learned we would have to say goodbye. She sang HomeSick by MercyME. She was so strong! I've never seen her that strong before in my life. She was truly Amazing! Your Sissy isn't known for her composure but I can't say it enough to tell you how wonderful she did. She changed some of the words to make them special to you. She made it through the whole song and only got the smallest bit choked up when saying your name. It was beautiful and meant the world to your Mommy that your Sissy sang for you. Your Sissy made Mommy promise not to cry while she sang and through grace we were both able to make it though her song.

Our Pastor then spoke beautiful words! You'll have to forgive Mommy for not being able to quote him but he took our favorite verses and delivered a wonderful sermon. Mommy had forgotten to tell him the verse that brought her through  many many tough times but the Lord knew she needed to hear it again and led the verse to be included in your special memorial!

The next few songs were special for so many reasons. It breaks my heart that I was never given the chance to sing or teach you any songs about Jesus. I dreamed about teaching you, signing with you, and reading bible to stories to you. We played a beautiful rendition of Jesus Loves Me. It was for Mommy the hardest to keep what little composure she had left together. There are many things that Mommy misses but not being able to teach you about Jesus has been one of the hardest for Mommy. I know there are Angels teaching you all about Jesus and they are signing with you and rejoicing with you in heaven. I can only imagine how your innocent voice sounds singing this precious song!

The next song Mommy found searching the Internet. It was funny Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy were all searching on different computers and found this song at the same time. It was absolutely perfect. We played Visitor From Heaven by Twila Paris. It was beautiful. It had comforted Mommy so much over the last few days. The lyrics speak for themselves but are exactly how we feel.

Twila Paris - Visitor From Heaven

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we're so glad you're there
We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

Your memorial concluded with Brahm's Lullaby. When speaking with the funeral director I balled as this song played. Mommy was sure she would lose it when it played at your memorial! It however was sweet and peaceful. It still breaks my heart that I will never get to rock and sing you to sleep but again I know your are being more than taken care of by God's Angels.

We were allowed to spend just a few more minutes with you once everyone exited the service. It was so hard to walk to away but your beloved pastor came over and said just the words we needed.

Your graveside memorial was short but sweet. By the time we made to your memorial garden it had began to get chilly! The workers at the graveside were so gracious! They had the most warm blankets for our family! With those we completely forgot about the cold. Your service was short but sweet. They played a song and then the paster said a few words. Your Mimi was so gracious enough to read a poem to conclude your memorial. She thought she did a rough job but again we were so proud of her!

We concluded your service by feeding the deer that feed around the oak tree that blankets your resting place. One of your big brother's favorite things to do when he visits Mommy and Daddy is feeding the deer. Mimi and Papa make him his own bucket and he walks around back of the land with Papa and throws food out to the deer. He then very inpatiently waits at the livingroom windown untill they come up to the house and eat every bite.  We thought that it would only be fitting to have a final memorial that would give back to the earth and leave us with the hope that one day a mother with her fawn will feed upon the acorns around your resting place! That morning mommy made little blue bags filled with deer chow for all our family and friends. They had the most precious blue and orange bows that closed the bags. I wish so badly to have had taken a picture of the chair filled with the litte bags! It was the sweest most precious chair! We were elaited that our family and friends helped feed the wildlife in your honor! 

Chelles 

Visitation

Monday January 17th-

With all the arrangements made with the funeral home and the memoral garden we turned our attention to preparing ourselves for your visitation.

We had been to serveral visitations/funerals in our life but the thing that botherd me most was that we didn't have the memories that most families have to look back on durring these times. The Lord again was with us and gave us the perfect idea. We might not could see your physical body but you were definently with us this past summer and fall! We hurried home to pick out pictures of our travels and included some of your birth. These pictures where that little extra that I needed to make it through your visitation! I was able to 'show your off' if only for a few hours. .but it meant the world!

We learned alot durring your visitation! We never dreamed that that many people would come out in our support to celebrate your little life! We were abosolutely blown away! We thank each and everyone who attended! We were truely blessed!!

Once the visitation had concluded we were given the oppurtunity to place a few objects in with your body. Your daddy had the sweest idea. He had recieved a snow white bible upon graduation from LPN school that he had Mimi inscribe to you. Your aunt kellie also provided a fawn with white spots for your to 'play with.' Both your daddy and I knew that we woudln't physically be with you but we wanted a picture of us with your body to be close to you. I was dead set against having an open casket for the visitation or the funeral untill that night. When the funeral home worker opened the lid we couldn't believe our eyes! You were beautiful! They had you snuggled in the most perfect way! I was given the opertunity to do one of the few 'mommy' duities I would have. Your daddy and I were able to arrange your toy's, bible, and our family picture properly with your little body. We were so thankful for this special time that we were able to spend and 'care' for you!

The sweet lady who looked after the funeral home at night told my mom before we left that she would "leave the light on for you." This melted all of our hearts!



Chelles

Whirlwind!

The next several days following your birth felt like we had been sucked up in a giant whirlwind. Little did we know that for at least 5 days we would be booked solid with appointments and huge life decisions.

Saturday January 15th-

We were discharged from the hospital mid morning and headed "home." It was decided that we would gather several changes of cloths and spend the next few days tucked out in the country with family out at mom and dad's.

We knew we would have to chose a funeral home and also a cemetery but we never dreamed of all the decisions that came with each. On our way back to our home we drove through two cemeteries out hwy 5. Both would be on our way home and have easy access to our Litte One if at any time we wanted to "check-in" on him. Our only decision we needed to make was which one would we chose? Sounds simple enough right? WRONG! We made several circles around each cemetery. One set of grandparents where buried or would be buried in each set. Would we offend our grandparents if we didn't chose the same area that they had?

The Lord once again was carrying us through that day! As we made one last circle through Pine Crest he lead us to drive by a small semi frozen pound. Nestled behind the pond was a fairly new memorial garden call rightfully named "The Garden of Memories." It was still partially snow covered in areas and dressed beautifully with oak trees. Upon further inspection the ground was blanketed with acorns. If you know our family then you know we LOVE watching the deer feed in back fields at my parents house. I know it sounds strange but we were at complete peace standing under an oak tree in the middle of a cemetery.

Another Angel met us at the office of the cemetery. She took us in and made us feel right at home. I know at first she probably thought we were all nuts but said she understood. She too had property in the middle of the country and understood all to well about watching and feeding the deer. She was nearly certain that there were plenty of plots left in that garden but the map was slightly off. She asked us to meet her the next day after speaking with the funeral home and she would have our spots mapped out so that our family (my father chose to purchase land for us all at this time so that we'd all be together) would have the exact spots we wished. We would also have to place a small white flag for Jackson letting the workers know where his little body would be laid to rest. We didn't realize that it was so late when we arrived at the office of the funeral home but our Angel stayed 2 hours well past when the office should have closed! We thank the lord daily for all of her service!

We were showered with the most wonderful meal when we returned home! It was all amazing but I'll never forget how good those strawberries and bananas tasted and the chocolate drizzled bunt cake had been just what I'd craved the last few weeks but had been too sick eat!

Sunday January 16th-

Sunday we spent as a family. Still running around taking care of what seemed like hundreds of errands but as a family nonetheless. Dean and I slept till nearly noon which was wonderful for our bodies but nearly sent us into a panic knowing that we had that much less time to take care of all our arrangements for our little one!

The funeral home had to delay our meeting that morning for about an hour and a half but that allowed us to take dad out to the cemetery.We showed him the piece of property and he said that it were absolutely perfect! There was even a deer track in nearly the exact spot that we would lay our son to rest!

One of if not the hardest appointments of the week started Sunday morning at Ashby's. As a couple of late 20somethings we never dreamed we would have to sit down and plan the arrangements for our precious son! God was with us yet again as anger Angel sat with us took his time and walked us through the entire process. It was safe to say that we were beyond overwhelmed! Should we do a visitation? should we just do a graveside service? Would anyone think it was important enough to come if we had a visitation?

Ultimately we decided that we would have a small visitation and a service in the chapel of Ashby's. We would also have a short graveside service. We knew that most likely it would just be us at the graveside but felt it was vital in our healing. We didn't have to make all the decisions about music that day but we would have to have our selections soon. My dear husband brought us all to tears as he picked the perfect song Brahms Lullaby for our son's memorial. The only decision left was to view the casket that they had for Little Angels just like our Jackson.

It was absoulty perfect. Small but cozy. Snow white just as the color of perfection! They had even included a small teddy bear! Again we were all balling but they couldn't have made a more perfect place for our son's body to rest!

Our last stop for the day was to speak again with the office staff. We had gone earlier that morning to verify the markings because they had been "off" on the map we looked previously. We knew the spots marked were closer than what we had wanted but within minutes she was able to make notes and assured us that in the am they would be resurvey and we could verify the placement in the am. 

Famished and with evening upon us we all headed to Colton's for dinner. By this time this evening we had just about reached our limit on crying. My aunt joined us for the meal. I'm sure as sleep deprived as we all were just about anything made us laugh. We had a wonderful meal with our family. The Lord blessed us and allowed us to have a relaxed evening meal before our next hard day!

Monday January 17th-

Flowers and Conformation of his little plot were on the agenda for this morning. Our Angel from the cemetary called us in the AM with a 'major problem' that she'd discovered when the main crew came in that morning. Knowing how partial to the deer track we found the days before she was terrified to call us and let us know that two of the spots we thought we'd have had already been bought. Little did she know that those two spots moved our plots to the right just enough that deer track was right over Jackson's plot! She then had to have the workers re survey the spots and we would have to come back that afternoon and confirm placement for Jackson's Dig.

We met yet another angel at the flower shop. With the visitation that evening we were unsure what they could get done with such short notice. Little did we realize that they work quite well and often with little notice! She sat down with us and guided us through the whole process. I've never seen or had more flowers or jewlery since i've met Dean. Needless to say he was in his element! I was in the midst of having another 'moment' as we call them and but Dean took charge and the flowers were absolutly perfect. He knew my favorite flowers and with the flower shops help Jackson's caskate peice was a perfect blend of the two!

Chelles